Monday, March 19, 2012

Staying impassive when your heart cries

I've spent the last week learning a hard lesson... and it's one that had the potential to ruin something very beautiful. In my desire to protect and defend those that I love, I crossed a line that was not mine to cross. I planned, crafted and weaved some of the most amazing magic of my life, never thinking that what I was doing would be rendered entirely useless, and with the capability to be..... slightly detrimental, because the situation changed very dramatically and suddenly. Then, when it was... somewhat... brought to my attention (I didn't have all the details yet, which made that moment MUCH worse than it had to be), I opened my mouth and didn't think about the words being said until it was too late and the damage was done. The result? A few steps backwards and sideways... not a place I wanted to be... Ever. Now, after spending a weekend stuck in my own head and, quite frankly, being very worried and scared, I have come to re-realize something that I've always known and have always hoped to keep hidden. It is very hard for me to stay impassive and let things be/go when I'm in a hard situation with people I care about... While it is too late to repair some of the damage I've already done, it is not too late to learn, step back, and readress in another way. The hardest thing... I will have to remember to hear my heart without jumping into immediate action. It's a hard wall to put up, especially when it was a wall I willing let go of with the specific individual involved. But, I see now, that some walls, no matter how close a relationship (be it friendship, teacher/student, husband/wife, etc.) must remain in place, at least with certain situations... not only for the well being of the other person, but for the well being of the self. That is not to say that things will be hidden and/or denied, but it does mean that my tendancy to immediately vocalize will become more inwardly pensive before anything comes blurting out without good thought, and that I will (do my best) to not allow my emotions to rule me.. and that's saying someone for me, as the first 5 houses in my astrology chart are all Cancer. Beautiful, I know. LOL!

Anyway. I just needed to get that out there and off my chest.

My Promise to You (should you ever read this):
I will maintain the distance that is necessary until time allows otherwise... I will not garuntee that it will be easy, and that I won't ever put my foot in my mouth again, but damn if I won't do my best. I've asked for your patience before, and I ask again. I am only human.. and even with the work I've done to learn and know, I am CERTAINLY no where near perfect, and prone to make mistakes just as much as any other person- probably more than normal when it is an emotionally charged situation. I'm ready for one day at a time.... for as long as that takes.

It may be a path that is rocky, narrow, winding and steep at times, but I have faith of making it to the top as a team...


  1. That is a very good lesson to learn. I've always been on the other end of the spectrum. I think too much and am late to react. It's a balance of course.

  2. This is something I had to learn the hard way this week as well. It was wonderful to read this; it made me feel less alone in the situation, knowing that I'm not the only one out there having to learn that lesson. Thank you, for admitting to this, and inspiring me that I can, indeed, overcome my bad habit of talking when I should not, and learning to let go.

  3. I miss you friend..hope all is well.